i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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