Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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