i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
