shes about as inviting as chlamydia
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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