I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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