Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
