I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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