I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize