The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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