I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
