I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
she pinky promised me she was 18
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Randomize
