Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
40s are totally the cure
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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