When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
