Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
