I wish my penis had an off switch
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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