I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
