Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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