I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
