No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
