Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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