Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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