i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
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