Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
