you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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