just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
