She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
