if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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