I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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