Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
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