goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Randomize