Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
