Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
