Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
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