sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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