y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
