Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
