shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
