My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
