I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
