i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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