i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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