'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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