so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
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