nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
