he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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