Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
