I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize