I smell stomach acid.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
