We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
