Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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