so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
