she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
