Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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