would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
