i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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