Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
