i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
