you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Randomize
