who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
