they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
