I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
