i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
