I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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