well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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