pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
